Loser Jen

Still haven’t surfed, but did help host a fundraiser for Save Our Gulf on Friday night, then a Surfrider/Arcata Skate Park Phase 2 benefit/movie premiere last night. Bobby and Nick helped rebuild the trail at Camel Rock. When I finally get back to being in the ocean instead of just advocating for it, I’ll feel the moment’s been well-earned. Planned to head out to Camel this morning, but the fog dissuaded me and once Kaylee and her friend started the Harry Potter movie they hadn’t finished last night, my lazy start to the day was confirmed.

Suitable for a Sunday morning, perhaps, but nontheless, the lazy start is contrary to my current attempt to reshape my habits (again). In my seemingly eternal quest to kern more toward Awesome Jennifer than Loser Jennifer, I have (again) embarked on a three week evaluation/effort to do things “right.” Or at least, better. Not that I’m so awful, but I do have a tendency to let short-term satisfaction undermine achieving my long-term goals – and I do have goals. Saving money, being strong, surfing more often than not, writing more, writing better, keeping the family more happy and safe than not, saving this world I love and live in. You know, the usual. And while I never swing into full Loser mode, my faults (impatience, impulsiveness, inconsistency) prevent me from moving into Awesome territory. And thus, those faults must be vanquished!

(Am feeling a bit silly. A bit O Magazine.)

I always imagine, I’ll wake up and decide, “Today’s the day! I’m going to do it all perfectly from here on out!” Oddly, enough, that never translates into reality. And then I feel I’ve failed, which usually results in slothfulness, perhaps cocktails and late-night loaves of toast dripping with butter and drowning in honey. Maybe it’s the getting-older thing, being more aware of how many years I’ve wasted with imperfection. Maybe it’s the teenager thing – I can’t do anything right in some regards, so I really need to reassure myself I can do better in others. And be a good example. Maybe it’s having a kid with diabetes and knowing how little I actually have control over that makes me more determined to gain control over what I can. (In a positive, affirming way – not in a Jennifer the Control Freak way.)

Awesome Jen!

So far, my only measurable steps remain small ones – I’ve noticed (again), that although my big decision-making might be spot on, I let too many poor minor decisions screw things up. What will it take to realize that if I start the day with checking my email instead of a run out to the beach with Sandy that the day will pass without either of us seeing the beach? That if I wait for conditions to improve, my wetsuit won’t ever make it off the porch? That whenever I think, “Oh, I’ll check my bank account balance later,” the result is the balance will be much less than I remembered it likely being?

One would think that evolution would require us to default to good decision-making, not allow the instant gratification and laziness to predominate.

I’m pretty happy. I like myself and my life a lot. But knowing both could be even better, well, that’s some motivation.